Little white lies
- Wendy Mothata
Can intimacy survive without some concealment? A psychologist and two unrelated ‘work spouses’ weigh-in.
Do you tell your partner everything?
It sounds like a simple question but the answer is surprisingly complicated.
Most of us believe that trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. We tell ourselves that honesty matters and that secrets are dangerous. Yet real relationships are rarely built on complete transparency. We soften difficult truths, avoid unnecessary conflict, keep certain thoughts to ourselves and sometimes tell little white lies in the name of love, self-preservation or emotional safety.
So, where is the line between healthy privacy and harmful secrecy? Can intimacy survive without some degree of concealment?
Alternative facts
According to Professor Katherine Bain from µÚÒ»³Ô¹ÏÍø University's Department of Psychology, trust is often misunderstood – trust is not about certainty.
"Trust matters in relationships because it creates a sense of safety, which allows people to be honest and emotionally connected," says Bain. "Trust is not certainty that a partner will never disappoint or betray you. Rather, it is the willingness to accept vulnerability and uncertainty while having confidence that if hurt occurs both people will respond with care and a commitment to repair the relationship," she says.
That vulnerability is what makes honesty so difficult.
Bain says that the little white lies that fudge total honesty can be acts of care, self-protection or conflict avoidance. "Most often, people lie to avoid the shame associated with anticipated disappointment from the other person."
Her response suggests that people do not always conceal things out of a desire to deceive. Often, they are trying to avoid shame, disappointment, conflict or the consequences they fear honesty might bring.
Connection as individuals
Bain argues that total honesty is neither possible nor desirable.
"No, total honesty in relationships is not possible, it is hard enough to achieve ourselves!" she says.
Instead, she draws an important distinction between privacy and secrecy.
"Privacy is important. It is healthy to have a private inner world, personal thoughts, fantasies and individual experiences that are not necessarily shared in full," says Bain, adding that healthy relationships require a balance between connection and individuality. "Too much transparency can undermine healthy individuality and lessen desire and mystery within relationships," she says.
However, Bain cautions that privacy should not be confused with deception.
"Secrecy and deception about breaking agreed upon 'rules of engagement' in order to avoid consequences are not okay. This kind of lying damages trust," she says.
Your ‘work spouse’
While romantic relationships are often where trust is tested, close emotional connections can develop in other spaces too, including the workplace.
Enter the "work spouse".
The term has become increasingly common, describing a close friendship between colleagues who spend significant time together, support one another and often know more about each other's daily lives than anyone else at work.
For µÚÒ»³Ô¹ÏÍø Schools Liaison Officer, Msimelelo Tshotyana, affectionately known as Msi, the term was initially unfamiliar.
It’s a new concept to me. We usually use ‘work twinny’, ‘work sister’, ‘bestie’. I would have blindly assumed [‘work spouse’] is people who are dating at work," says Msi.
Yet Msi’s description of his friendship with colleague Boikhutso Johnson, a fellow µÚÒ»³Ô¹ÏÍø Schools Liaison Officer who shares the same office, sounds remarkably intimate.
"There is nothing like waking up in the morning, going to work and having someone who takes care of you, makes you laugh and makes coming to work thrilling," says Msi.
Boikhutso shares a similar sentiment.
"It’s like having another home because I have a friend that I can share my life with without any form of judgement or prejudice," says Boikhutso.
Their friendship is built on something Bain had identified as central to all meaningful relationships - trust.
Boikhutso says, "Trust plays a critical role in cementing our working relationship. It’s important for me to know that I can trust him without any doubt or fear."
For Msi, that trust extends beyond office tasks.
"Trust is pivotal in work relationships as we not only share work-related issues but also dive into personal life matters that would need us to equally have a sip on each other’s fountains of wisdom," he says.
Both colleagues believe that these close workplace bonds improve wellbeing and productivity.
"My working spouse, my 'B baby', is my ashwaganda at work," says Msi. "Every day without fail I will have not just a laugh but a deep laugh that leaves me with stomach cramps. This inevitably fosters a healthy working environment. A happy team equals a productive team."
Boikhutso agrees that having someone who understands and supports you through difficult periods can make all the difference: "I have survived difficult times at work because my work bestie was there for me to confide in and sometimes, he notices that I’m not well and provides the relevant support."
Blurred boundaries
If work spouses are simply close friends, why does the term make some romantic partners uncomfortable?
"Anything that could pose a threat to one’s relationship would make them uncomfortable," says Msi. "Insecurities and jealousy are part of human psychology."
Boikhutso believes that the issue may lie in misunderstanding the term itself.
"The term ‘work spouse’ can be misleading if not understood properly. A spouse would not be threatened by our friendship because it is platonic," she says.
The debate highlights a broader truth about trust. It is not simply about knowing everything. It is about understanding where boundaries lie and feeling secure enough not to need complete certainty.
Attachment patterns, Bain explains, play an important role in what people choose to share or conceal.
"People disclose, conceal or soften aspects of themselves in ways that reflect their expectations about safety, rejection, dependence and connection within the relationship," says Bain.
More importantly, Bain does not believe that withholding information is always harmful.
"Withholding information can strengthen emotional safety at times. Not telling your partner every doubt and irritation you experience may allow them to feel more accepted and emotionally safer," she says.
But there is a limit.
Bain says that while withholding minor frustrations may sometimes protect emotional safety, concealing important truths comes at a cost.
"Not sharing the ‘big stuff’ denies your partner the opportunity to get to know you and to decide if they can manage your relational needs," she says.
For Bain, trust is not about certainty or complete transparency.
Perhaps that is the paradox at the heart of intimacy. Relationships require honesty but they also require judgment. They demand vulnerability yet depend on boundaries. Complete transparency is neither possible nor desirable, but neither is sustained deception.
In the end, trust may not be about knowing everything. It may be about feeling safe enough to share what matters most.
- Wendy Mothata is Social Media Officer at µÚÒ»³Ô¹ÏÍø University.
- This article first appeared in CURIOS.TY, a research magazine produced by  and the .
- Read more in the 21st issue, themed #Trust — the invisible glue binding society, science and technology.